Not So Brave Anymore
by DinoRhino
Summary: After a tragic event, Merida struggles to come to terms with loosing someone she loves. For anyone who has found it hard to carry on after loosing something.
1. Pitch Black Wedding

**Hello! So this is really weird. I LOVE this book called Midwinterblood, it's utterly amazing. I wanted to write a sort of crossover, so I wrote this. It is ****_kind of _****a sequel to ****_Stitching Holes; _****but it doesn't need to be. Anyone who has read Midwinterblood will know the ending, so it isn't a nice one. I don't know which ending I personally prefer to my story, but if you want a choice, here's one. And if you do read this, there is another choice. My story ****_Frozen Heart _****could be linked to this as well! But again, it's your choice. Link the two if you want. Link ALL OF THEM if you want. But all three can be read together, or all three can be read separately. **

**It's up to you. :-D**

**Merida**

"Hey! Guess what! The sky's awake- so I'm awake!"

"Oh my god, Anna, what _time _is it?"

"Time for you to get mhu mhu mhu MARRIED!"

"Is it bad to say that I still want to sleep in?"

"No you _don't_. Get UHHHUPPP! Me and Punzie have spent the whole _morning _making you this dress and now-" I open my eyes a fraction to see her place her hands on her hips, and shake her head. " Now… you just want to… lay in bed…" She wipes a fake tear away from her nose.

"Oh _fine_." I grumble.

She squeals, covering her face with her hands before jumping up and down about a zillion and three times. "PUNZIE!" She screams, "You can come in now!"

Rapunzel opens the door of my bedroom slowly, smiling ear to ear. The least I can say is that I've grown closer to my cousins, especially Elsa, but that was expected. Considering all we've been through.

But Rapunzel and Anna are no exception. Before, I couldn't stand a minute with either of them. Now, since they've helped prepare for the wedding, I can't help loving them, even when they leave trails of sparky rainbows behind.

"Hey, Mer!" Punzie grins, biting her lip, " You like it?" From behind, she hauls Elsa, wearing what can only be described as chicken wire covered in cloth. With a few needles sticking out here and there. The hem is stuck on by ugly tree sap, and what looks like half a scrambled egg is stuck to the sleeve.

"Umm…" I begin.

"Don't you just _love _it?" Anna screams. " I added the bit on the sleeve."

"How long did this take you to make, exactly?"

"About half an hour. Want to try it on?"  
"_Please _try it on," Elsa gasps, " _Else…I might… suffocate_…"

I look at Anna. And then back at Punzie.

They stare back, wide eyed and excited.

I throw my hands up in the air. "Alright!" I say. " I'll try it on."

That's when all three of them collapse in giggles. I almost collapse too, but for completely the wrong reasons.

They were _joking. _My life is safe for now.

**Hiccup**

_The girl smiles. Holds out her hands. _

_"You trust me, right?" I ask_

_"You know I do." She replies. _

_The girl lets a fringe of hair fall across her face, and she smiles lightly. _

_The sword feels soft in my fingers. I plunge it into her gut. Her face squeezes into a fist. Her eyes close. In out, in out- she breaths slowly. _

_In one movement, she falls to the ground. _

_"WHY?" she screams, " I LOVED YOU!" _

_"Astrid, I'm _sorry._" _

_"SORRY?" She howls. " Sorry?"_

_Another girl walks through the fog. Her hair is tongues of fire, and her lips are closed and thin. _

_"You killed her." She says._

_"No. It wasn't me." _

_"You killed her. What if I am killed by you?" She turns a shoulder on me and begins to walk into the distance. _

_"Hey!" I say, trying to get up- but blood hauls me back onto the ice. "HEY!" _

_She disappears into the distance. _

_I am left with nothing. And then comes the water. _

_It pulls me under. Drags me in. _

_I tilt my head upwards, gasping for breath. I reach my hands up, desperate to pull myself up for air. _

_But I cannot, and the world turns from white to black. _

"Hiccup!"

"Merida?"

There's a sharp sting across my face. " Nope! Unless you get up, get changed, and stop howling like a monkey having constipation, I suspect you'll see Miss Merida _no more!" _

Brown Dove. I should've known.

"It's today, isn't it." I groan.

She sucks in her cheeks, nodding her head in an all-knowing way.

I roll over. "And how late _am I_?"

"Well, I had to have breakfast, so I couldn't wake you _then. _And then I found this epic herb. So I was fiddling with it for twenty minutes or so- and then I remembered… well… you."

I raise my eyes. "How. Long. Do. I. Have?"

"About- half an hour?"

"BROWN!"

"I've got you breakfast! See?" She holds out a plate. On this very plate is a snail, a blade of grass, and a daisy.

"GHHAAA!"

Another slap. "Screaming isn't going to get you changed!"

I give her a look. If looks could kill…

And then she holds up my wedding suit. I stare. And stare a little more.

"This better be a prank."

"Nope! Elsa gave it to me this morning."

I click my tongue. "Elsa? Not Anna."

She shrugs.

"Is this some kind of Scottish thing?"

"Nothing I know off."

"But they like chickens, right? So this could be a tradition." I stare at the black armoured suit. It looks almost like chainmail, but a little more clumsy, and a little more ugly.

"You're guess is better than mine."

"Fine," I sigh, " Give it here."

**Merida**

Anna is looking worried.

"What is it?" I ask her, as she does my hair. Unlike my mother, she doesn't try and tame it. Instead, she embraces it, letting it flow in ways it never could before. She is one of the only people I know who can even have a stab at making me look beautiful.

"I've forgotten something." She says. " Like… calling off a prank. But I can't remember _which _prank."

"That's helpful."

"Precisely my point! It's not helpful _at all_!"

"What kind of prank was it?"

She thinks. " Something to do with you're wedding."

"Right. Was it important?"

"Maybe. I don't know."  
"Well, then, it can't be that important if you can't remember it!"

She straightens up my necklace. " I guess you're right."

I nod sadly. " I guess I am."

She takes a deep breath, then smiles. " So you're ready?"

I look down at myself. The white blue gown glistens in swathes and folds, waving off at my waist and spiralling to the ground. A tight clad bodice encases my torso, making my look almost thin, but it ends near my collarbones, so that my posture looks elegant and poised. Anna had no part to play in the making of the _real _dress- it was all Elsa and Punzie. Elsa was the designer, and Punzie the creator.

Seeing my gaze, Anna pats me on the shoulder. " You look great." She says soothingly, " It'll be fine."

I raise an eyebrow. " We can hope, I guess. Let's just hope it's not a rerun of _your _wedding."

She closes her eyes. "Mer." She says tiredly.

"You're right." I say, " We should go."

….

I am going to _kill _Anna. With a needle. Or a rolling pin.

Or the chicken wire that is stuck to my boyfriend.

My legs go stiff. My hands start shaking. My eyes go wide, and so do his, as we begin to realise we've both been pranked. On. Our. Wedding.

There's a quick chortle of laughter from the pews. And then it stops, supposedly when the person in question realises that I am on the verge of a very self significant murder rampage.

"Merida," My father whispers from beside me, " Walk. We'll figure this out later."

I close my eyes. Outstretch my hands.

And walk.

Foot- fall. Foot- fall. Rhythm. Nothing else; no watching eyes, no chuckled breaths. Only this.

Somewhere, there is music. It fills my ears, and joins the thud of my feet as the only existing thing. The two senses walk hand in hand down the ile.

Before I know it, there is a real hand curling round my own.

"Sorry," He whispers, " I should've known it was a joke."

I smile at the ground. " It doesn't matter. Lets just do this."

After we separate, the vicar begins to speak. He has the most utterly boring voice. If there were awards for boring voices, he'd win it every time.

So instead of listening to the marriage vows (I still can't quite believe who's) I try to relish everything else. The wedding is taking place on _that _field- the one where I won my own hand. It's still reasonably muddy, so everyone has either boots or wrecked heels sticking to their feet. But apart from that, the world looks beautiful. Flecks of orange clouds whip across a pale blue sky, scales of pink occasionally appearing here and there. The sun rises gently, a huge ball of melting ice cream, dripping on the horizon. The pews are basic mahogany. Ribbons of blue and green flourish in bloom at the ends, linking up to each other like a godly spider web. At least Anna only got her dirty hands on the clothes, and not the décor.

Half of the guests I know, half of them I don't. Of course, there is Mother, Father and the triplets. And all of the tribe leaders, accompanied by their sons, as well as a multitude of uninvited dogs. Mordie and all the maids from the castle bustle near the back, quietly chatting about who knows what. Then, people from the tournament, like Brown Dove and Pinch. I vaguely recognise a slender boy, whom Hiccup told me was named Lee.

Elsa, Anna and Punzie don't sit in the pews. Instead, they stand beside me in bridesmaids gowns. All four of them wear a beautiful maroon dress. Anna glances at me apologetically about every two seconds.

Hiccup's guests consist of Gobber, Ruffnut, Fishlegs ( whoever that is), Lee and a number of muscled boys. Stoick sits as far to the right as possible, looking down when I meet his eyes. He knows he is not forgiven for what he has done. Next to him is a slender, almost cat like woman. I think she is Hiccup's mother.

But the one person who I really look at is the one with white hair. It sticks up like angry frost, his blue eyes wide and staring. He has thin lips, a set jaw and broad shoulders. I would bet a chicken or two that he played a part in Mordie's gossip.

Who _is _he?

"I do."

My head flips round. I do? What?

"And Princess Merida, do you take Prince Hiccup as your lawfully wedded husband, till death do you part?"

Have I seriously been out for that long?

"I do." I say, slightly shaky.

"The rings, if you will?"

Elsa brings forth a pillow, smiling feverishly. Both pieces are simple- gold bands. I was certain I didn't want anything flouncy- just pure and beautiful. Precisely how love should be.

He slips the ring onto my finger. I grin as I slip mine onto his.

"And does anyone have a reason that these two should not wed?"

There is silence.

And then.

The man has black hair. A thin face. Shadows fall onto him like thick oil, dripping off his sharp cheek-bones, matting into his clothes and smile. He has such a _cold _smile.

"Hello, everyone." He says. " My name is Pitch."

**YAY! Like i said, this is going to end badly... but please leave a review if you have the time. I wrote this quite late at night, so please don't be too mean if you hate it. Sorry if this doesn't make any sense :-P Thanks! **

**DinoRhino :-D**


	2. An Icy End

"Excuse me, Vicar, for my insolence. But I have something to say." Pitch walks up to the pews, as if out of air. Did I really not see him come through the woods?

"And what might that be?" The Vicar asks.

" Some say I know nothing about love. Indeed, I think it is pointless. Worthless. But it pains me to see such a wonderful couple being torn apart."

"But? I beg your pardon, but I don't follow. I am wedding these two."

Pitch looks confused, then laughs. " I did not mean _these two. _This is anything but perfect love."

"Now _I'm _confused." I say. " Because I know what love is. I wouldn't be getting married if I didn't. And to feel love, you also need to feel hate. And do you know what? I am certainly feeling a tremendous amount of that emotion towards _you_. Now GET OUT."

"Ah, princess." Pitch shakes his head, " Was it not your father who killed Astrid? Was that _really _a mistake?"  
"Aye!" Father shouts, " I would never do such a thing again!"

"Ah, but think, young Hiccup. What if Merida here knew all along? What is she'd asked her father to kill Astrid, so she could have you? Does it not make perfect sense?"

"No." Hiccup says, " It makes utterly no sense whatsoever."

"I think that's enough, Pitch." The white haired boy says, " You're coming with me."

"Ah, Jack." Pitch says, " I had a feeling you'd be here." He points a hand at Jack. Inspontaniously, tendrils of black smoke pour out, enveloping him in a sooty cover. He chokes, holding his throat, before falling to the floor.

"Oh my God." I whisper.

Elsa steps forward, then looks directly at Pitch. "Finally," She whispers, " Some competition."

Tensing her hands, she begins to slowly raise her arms over her head. A tough blanket of ice rises from the floor with them, sheltering us from Pitch's magic.

But it appears Pitch only wants one of us.

By some force, Hiccup is being pushed up into the air. I grab onto his foot as he travels unwillingly upwards, but his boot comes of in my hands.

"HICCUP!" I screech.

I think he cries back, but he's too far away for me to hear. He's less than a dot in the sky, when I see it.

Pitch is flying up to meet him.

Bile rises in my throat. If anything, this is worse than Anna's wedding.

Then Pitch places a finger on Hiccup's chest. I can't process it- places a finger on his chest twenty meters of the ground.

And then, power explodes. Hiccup is flung backwards.

Away.

"HICCUP!"

**Hiccup**

They are all gone in seconds. Fields and forests and villages all rush beneath me. Nothing keeping me afloat but air, nothing keeping me moving but the power of Pitch. And though I hate to admit it, I can feel it dwindling.

How is this happening? What's going on?  
It's all so strange, I feel it's a dream. So it almost feels normal, being hurtled through the sky by a stranger wearing black at my wedding. It's a pleasant alternate from my normal nightmare.

Nightmare.

The man.

Something clicks into place, but then the swell of air beneath me crumbles. Falling is a feeling I'm used to. I'm a dragon rider.

But _never _has there been a chance that I can't be rescued at all.

The wind rushes on my scalp, by hair flailing around my eyes. I look down- if I'm lucky, I'm going to land in the loch. I even my breathing- I can _still _survive. Dying isn't happening just yet.

**Merida**

"Elsa? Elsa, what are you doing?"

"Listen. Merida, hold my hand tightly. Don't let go, no matter what."

I nod shakily, following her instruction. Without looking, she sets a sheet of ice over the top of our enclosed fingers. Now, even if I wanted to be separated, I wouldn't be.

Elsa closes her eyes, then opens up her remaining hand slowly. The air lifts below me, and we both begin to fly. _Fly? _

Ok. I am dreaming. Everything's alright; I'll wake up any second.

"Time to save Hiccup." She says.

**…**

"There!" I screech. "Elsa, THERE!"

Hiccup falls like a shot down bird. Like he's used to flying, and surprised it isn't working how he planned for it to work.

Pitch is flying, too.

"QUICK!" I yell.

But we can both see that we are never going to get there in time.

"Merida, remember Olaf?"

"WHAT?" I shout over the wind.

"Olaf! I gave him life. Maybe-"

"You're not freezing Hiccup!"

"It may be our only choice. Pitch can't get him then!"

"He can just fall into the loch! Elsa, _please- please _don't!"

I cannot loose him, when he was just given to me for safekeeping. _Marriage. _

"Elsa." I whisper.

But even as I beg, she lifts one hand. Stretches it out. Closes her eyes.

"_Elsa_."

But she lets the ice fly, and it hits Hiccup. Once. Twice.

And he's lost.

**Hiccup**

The blades hit me just as I plunge into the water. I can just see Elsa's face, worried and sick and hopeful. She doesn't mean to kill me.

Merida looks worse, and better. Beautiful, and more worried. More sick.

I don't want to die.

Not today.

Not ever.

The water wraps around me, ankles and feet first, then waist and shoulders and- I stretch my arms up, trying to reach the surface for breath. The water squeezes my ribs, and a tight fist clenches my heart. I am really going to die.

Ice.

It raids my soul.

It opens my heart.

It splits my head.

It becomes everything that I am, as I plummet.

Pitch won't find me here.

But no one else will, either.

Except-

"Astrid," I breathe.

She smiles, extending her hand.

But the ice is blocking her way.

No death.

No life.

Is this living?

I don't go, but I don't come.

I don't breathe, but I don't exhale.

I don't run, but I don't collapse.

I love, but now, no one will know. And if no one knows, what is the point?

I try one last time to live. I tilt my head upwards, gasping for one last breath. I reach my hands up, desperate to pull myself up for air.

But I cannot, and the world turns from white to black_. _

**Merida**

"HICCUP!"

_Hiccup Hiccup Hiccup Hiccup. _

"ANSWER ME! PLEASE!"

" Merida, I'm so sorry." Elsa lowers the two of us gently onto the grass headland.

_Hiccup Hiccup Hiccup_

I squeeze my eyes shut. This is a bad dream. This isn't happening. Can't be happening. A strange man turns up at my wedding, flings him miles away, just so he can fall into water and what- be frozen? I shake my head. _No. _

"HICCUP!"

Pitch lands gracefully in front of me. He is my nightmare brought to life.

"It is a pleasure meeting you all." He says, " I am glad to put this at rest. Finally, Hiccup and Astrid are reunited again."

"GET AWAY!" My shout scratches.

He hold both hands in the air. " Of course, my dear." And he's gone.

"Hiccup," I whisper to the dirt, " No matter what, I will find you. Be it death, be it life, this _isn't the end_."

Elsa rests her hand on my shoulder. "This is all my fault." She croaks.

But I don't really hear her. Not really.

I have made my promise. I have made my promise to the earth, and the stars, and the sea.

I have promised my soul. I have promised myself.

I will find him again, in this life or the next.

This isn't the end.

**Ok. This will make basically no sense whatsoever to someone who hasn't read Midwinterblood. In the book, two souls, Eric and Merle, are searching to find each other again, in different bodies and different lives. This is the start of the cycle. **

** So yep. This is kind of the beginning of ****_Frozen Heart. _****Hope this wasn't to confusing! PM me if you ARE confused. I will be delighted to answer any questions ****J****. Or you could always leave a review- I promise I'll read them all. **

**Like I said, if you prefer happy endings, ignore this completely. Although I guess you could say ****_this isn't the end. _**

**I love Disney cheesiness. **

**Thanks for reading this garbage. I think this is quite possibly the worst, most confusing, nonsensical rubbish I've ever written. Sorry! :-) **

**DinoRhino x**


	3. The Funeral

**Ok. I KNOW I said this was finished… but considering ****_Frozen Heart _****was just deleted on my word, including my new stuff, I had to write something different before I started it again. My other story, ****_OMG WHALE! _****( Yeah, I know) is about as boring to write as watching the actual game play. So yep. Sorry! ****L**

I knot my fingers together. I breathe. I keep everything down, far down inside. Down so far that no one can reach that deep within me. No one can find my pain all the way down there.

Everything merges together. The light music. The ceaseless song. The brushes of feather like gowns, swirling , a pool of melted black gold. The grey sky. The briny sea.

They haven't found the body. The ice drifted away too quickly for anyone to find him. After all we've been through- all I'd sacrificed.

Now he's gone.

A tight lump forms in my throat, like a stone growing in a thin glass tube. I feel as if I'm about to smash open- as if not collapsing is the hardest thing in the world.

"Merida," My mother says, " Please. Sit _down_."

Somewhere, light hands brush my back, pushing me gently into a pew. My fingertips brush the warm wood- once; I would've marveled how something so harsh could turn so soft. But now, I am irritated by it's perfection.

"Today, we are here to honor the life of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third, killed by Pitch Black. Word has come that Pitch intended to kill Hiccup for one reason, and one reason only- for nightmares to reign in our dreams once more. For nightmares of _him. _Of someone we once loved. The worst kind of nightmare." The speaker curses. There's a drifting chatter wafting among the pews. What does he mean? Where is Pitch now? But I keep my mouth shut. What does it matter? He's _dead. _No explanation is going to change that. He could've told me Pitch wanted to kill him so he could blend him in a smoothie. Would I have cared?

No.

"Hiccup had many friends in his life. A special friend, indeed, in the form of Merida, his engaged. It is such terrible tragedy that they have been parted in such a severe way."

Numb. It's a sort of dull, stinging drone, as if you're placed under water, and the water's one degree above freezing. I'm used to the numbness by now. The numbness of life- the numbness of living.

"He also had a great friend in the form of his father, Stoick. Although sometimes the situation was tight- very tight- the bond of father and son has _always _pulled through."

Drowning. You don't have to be underwater. I'm drowning now, the bottomless pit expanding in my stomach, flooding my body in a breathless grip. Up my arms. Through my legs. The current wraps around my head, gripping tightly. So tight. The world blurs black, the edges of my vision curl like they're burning. Breath dies in my mouth.

_Breathe. _

"It is such a shame such a life has gone to waste in such a way. It has broken us all. I know it's certainly broken me." The man wipes a tissue across his nose, and I wonder for a second who he might be. Then I remember- he's the white headed boy from the wedding. Jack.

I always thought he'd be arrogant. Maybe- evil? I guess pain can bring out the best in people. I guess it strips away their masks.

Only, this pain is too large. Too big. It stripped away my mask, and then kept going, kept scratching, kept gnawing. It stripped away my body, my lungs. My face.

"So," Jack continues, " I would like to ask Merida to come up here and say a few words. Or sing. Which ever she prefers."

I knew this was coming, but even so, I lift my feet as though I'm tied by chains to the floor, as if I'm stone. Somehow, though, I make my way up to the stage. Slowly. Noiselessly. I can hear my skirts rustling on the carpeted floor.

And I find I'm up there, looking. Searching for someone with as much pain etched on their features as me.

But all I see are faces. No emotion. Blank, cold, unweilding.

I can't speak. The words shrivel up on my tongue. So instead, I sing.

I can't listen to myself. If I do, everything inside me will collapse. Letting out the pain this way is so risky- I can't let myself feel it more by listening. It sounds insane, but I know it's the truth.

So I sing. And when I'm done, people clap politely. I don't think they know _what _to do. I think they feel as if they've invaded a private thing. Or maybe they feel bad seeing someone with so much more pain than themselves.

I sit.

I drift.

I doze.

I dream. I dream of a better place, a better world, a better life. I dream of better people, and of a place where evil is no more. I dream of somewhere better than here.

I dream of being in the place he is in. I dream of dancing with Hiccup once more.

Impossible.

But at least, in my dreams, I can try.

**THANKS FOR READING! Thanks, thanks thanks! Also, to Mericcupdunbroch, WaveringShadow and Fangirl 1699, Sidhewolf5, Lost Blue Heart 16, Twin Moon Alchemist and Hysteria Rodgers- thanks for following, starring or leaving a review! PM me if you're confused about anything- after all, my writing style isn't the clearest. I'd be happy to help!**

**The song Merida sung was either 'Broke' By Lauren Aquila or 'Salvation' by Gabrielle Aplin. They are both utterly amazing CHECK THEM OUT! The songs are both incredibly beautiful. **

**Thanks again. Now, I think, this story is probably actually maybe FINISHED.**

**DinoRhino x**


	4. Blue Rage

**Hello! I am BORED. And I feel like writing something depressing, since I'm pretty sure I messed up some maths homework :-( I'm really starting to question whether this story will ever be finished, or just used as an excuse to write sad drabbles :-( **

Dreaming. Things come and go these days. Sun fades, hearts ache. Things fall apart. There is nothing else.

It's like the world has turned to dust- I touch something, but it scatters and fades. Everything feels fragile and beautiful. But I can only watch as it turns cold and ugly.

"Merida?" A warm hand strokes my own. I don't reply.

"Merida, listen. I know this is hard. But you need to… you need to _let him go_."

"Let him go." I whisper.

"Yeah," She says, " Just let it go."

"But Elsa," I croak. "I _can't_."

That's right. It's not that I won't, not that I am not willing to at least try and heal myself. I _can't. _

"Well, sleep a little longer." She says gently, " I'll get you a cold drink, ok?"

"That should be easy for you," I reply drily.

But I do nod off, in the end. I'm not really tired. It's just- dreaming. It's easier than life. I would swap this half living for breathing any day.

"_Let me show you something." _

"_What?" I laugh. "What is it?" _

"_You'll know it when you smell it!" _

"_Huh? Flynn, are you talking about Hiccup? Seriously?" _

"_Nooooooo…?" _

_I raise an eyebrow. " Yeeeeesssss…..!" _

"_Ok, ok. We're here now. Smell it yet?" _

_I raise my nose, trying to find that alluring and supposedly obvious scent. But all I find is fur trees and sweet grass. The sound of a trickling stream runs through my ears, and far off, barely visible in the distance, a foggy cloud of descending rain rolls down the mountain side. _

"_Nothing," I say, smiling. _

"_Wow." Flynn says, placing one hand on his hip and wiggling the other into my face " You really need to get a nose job. Anyho, I'll let you off for having rubbish scent of smell. Just this once." _

_He reaches up and pulls back a thick clump of leaves, revealing a small glen. There are no trees, but the surrounding ones lean in above, the branches creating a glittering carpet of gold and green on the forest floor. Small white flowers dip their heads innocently towards the clearing center- and who's there? _

"_Guessing my charming Viking demeanor didn't scare you off, huh?" _

"_Never has," I say, hugging him tightly " Never will. And why the hell have you dragged me out here?" _

_He grins. " I got you a _birthday present_!" _

"_Dang." I say, " You did? I told you no gi-" _

"_Blue Rage? Come on OUT!" _

"_Blue Rage?" I say, pulling away, " What in the Gods name is th- whoa." _

"_You like it?" _

"_Like it?" I say, opening my eyes, " I LOVE it!" _

_Out of the trees comes a… a _thing. _Dark blue wings spiral from it's lighter blue back, tinted black edges to lick it's strong hind legs. Six huge claws curl from it's feet, and massive horns lull down from it's thickly skulled head. Pastel grey trails of smoke meander from it's nose holes, and it breathes softly. Deeply. _

"_Is it… is it mine?" _

"_You betcha!" _

"_Can I… um… can I ride it?" _

"_You? You ride a DRAGON?" He throws back his head and laughs, holding his stomach. _

"_Ha ha." I say weakly. " Hilarious." _

_Hiccup wonders over and places a hand on my shoulder. " No, Merida." He says solemnly, " YOU cannot ride this dragon. But WE can."_

"Darling, _breathe_."

"Blue Rage. She was there."

"Oh, Merida. I'm here. I love you. Forget about… about those who can't, anymore."

I lean over and rest my head on a pillow, and my mother blocks my vision. I move to the right, and again, she moves with me, stopping me from seeing father than her face. I've been in this room a million times. What could she not want me to see?  
"Get out the way."

"Merida?"

"NOW."

A worried look on her face, my mother delicately steps to the side, revealing our fire place. _That _fire place.

I haven't walked for days, but I do now. Gathering the blanket round my bony shoulders, I slip out the bed. I hadn't realized how weightless I'd become- gliding along the cold stone floor with bare feet. The blanket spreads out behind me, like a cloak, or a trail of dust that a hunter leaves after it's finished chasing it's prey.

Was I the prey? Or was he?

"Merida,"

"She's dead, too, then?"

"She's been dead for three years, dear. You know that."

My hand drapes along Blue Rage's skull, finding that nick where she bumped into a cliff face, that indent where she fell down a hole and her wings were so wet she couldn't fly. Memories. Thoughts. Time.

That's the other thing about dreaming. It let's you forget. That is, of course, until you have to start living again.

**Like I said, depressing blab. If anyone has any ideas for any more depressing drabs, leave a review- you never know, i might just use it! **

**Thanks again for reading this rubbish :-) As always, favourite or follow if you like this, scream at me with anger in the reviews if not. PM me if your confused. **

**Do you like? Or do you not? Spill ze beans! :-DDD**

**DinoRhino x**


	5. Digging up dreams

**_HHHEEELLLOOO! I _****KNOW****_I NEED to update Frozen Inside, for anybody reading that baloney, but I've just got back from a massive school trip- and GOD am I tired! So all I COULD physically write was depressing nonsense... and the next chapter in that is SOO hard to perfect! After my next maths test ( Gha, maths. The bane of living!) I WILL update- cross my heart, hope to die. Anyho, let's get on with this... and for anyone who has no idea what Frozen Inside is... SORRY! Check out my profile if you wanna look at some more of my rubbish! :-D_**

_The grave is white, but moss creeps up its side. If you press you're hand on the stone, it feels smooth, but soon- soon, I know- it will be rough. The weather will wear it away. _

_Like it wore them away. _

_Like it will ware everyone away. _

_Storms. Ice. Tides. Time. _

_Time's the bottom line, isn't it? Even storms can't last forever. _

_But I wish theirs could. _

_"__I love you. I do, and you know that. But do you? Do you now? Do you still?"_

_Questions. They ring, alone, in the deserted grave yard. All is quiet, except for the caw of a passing crow. The blinking sway of the sea in the distance. The soft, slow wind, wrapping around my ankles. _

_I know I should go. But somehow, I can't bare to leave him here. In the graveyard. _

_"__Hiccup," I say gently. " Here, some flowers. I know… I know you like them." _

_With a shaking hand, I place them on the ground beside the grave. The poppies are withering in their casement, the daffodils already half dead. But I know, in my heart, that he couldn't care less. _

_"__Stay, he murmurs, "Don't leave. Stay with me here." _

_I close my eyes, imagining. Imagining life under the thick green earth. Imagining the casket of soil. Imagine waking up and tearing at a coffin lid, screaming for help, everlasting darkness…._

_"__I'm sorry." I say, " I need to go. I'll come back to visit you and Astrid later." _

_"__Alright," He says, " And thanks for the flowers. She liked them too." _

I reel back from the memory, gasping, gulping, taking in thick, long breaths. Murky clouds drift overhead. A thickness rests in the air. Like a blanket, the fog wraps over my shoulders, obscuring everything from view.

Everything, but his grave.

It sounds awful, me saying I wish it were Astrid's . To say, I wish we were repeating that day. That day when he was mourning.

I wish he were here. I wish he were here, mourning with me again.

"Hiccup," I say, but this time, there is no reply, " I brought you flowers. But I know you don't really care anymore."

And I lay a basket of fresh red poppies on the ground, along with bright yellow daffodils.

I never pick flowers. And yet, here I am.

Loosing does this to people. It breaks them. Makes them different.

Or it heals them; makes them stronger.

I haven't even really processed the idea that I've lost him. Yet, I already know I am not the latter.

Sleeping. I'll stay here, and sleep again. Here, by his grave, I feel closer. Here, by his grave, I feel as if he's here. As if he's still here, next to me.

_**Do you know what? I have a hunch. I am the most random, confusing, nonsensical writer EVER. So Merida was dreaming about burying Astrid whilst resting by Hiccup's grave. I tried ( Unsuccessfully) to make it seem like she was by Hiccup's grave and mourning for him, when really they were BOTH mourning for her. **_

_**The dream was also a memory, BTW.**_

_**I have officially just confused myself. **_

_**As always- PM me! I love hearing what you think of my work, good or bad. Or leave a review! Or both!**_

_********__Oh, and also? I know in Stitching Holes Astrid was burned in a boat, and now she's in a nice tidy grave, so this makes no sense... but at the moment, my brain is making no sense. So yep. Go with the flow. SORRY!_

_**Peace out- and time for me to get some rest :-D**_

_**DinoRhino x**_


	6. A random nothing

**This is so bad I put it on as a dare I'm sorry!**

The sky was pink, the ocean glowed an almost white. The sun was below the horizon-a faint blush spilled out onto the clear sky. It seemed as if the clouds had fallen. A whisper of delicate snow shaded the land lighter than it would've been otherwise.

Before, I would've found it beautiful. The tight cold scratching on my body, squeezing my arms. The way my breath formed a small dousing of mist just in front of my lips.

Now? Nothing.

Sight. Smells. Sounds. Touch.

It built up the nothingness, like a pressing weight resting on a thick skin. I can feel the emotions piling up within. But they never break through, and I don't have the strength to reach them.

I should feel sad. Sad about never feeling emotion, never again.

But I don't. Sadness is an emotion. And I have none of those left.

I lied. I know that now. I still have something. But I can never remember what.

It's a ghost, an echo of a thing. A presence I know, but can't understand. Its torture- I know I saw him. He comes to me in my dreams. Dreams fade as fast as they come, though. They disappear.

Sometimes, I wish I could disappear with them.

**Yep.** **I know. Nothing to do with anything. Pile on the abuse!**


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